dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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