I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My vagina just clenched in fear
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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