I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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