I think I won the penis lottery.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
