Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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