dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
