First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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