Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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