Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
