I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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