whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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