i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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