Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
