Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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