I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
