i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You made out with two different species that night
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
