I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
