I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
