I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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