You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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