soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
