everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
