dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
