i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
