I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
