This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
