Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
