so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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