Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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