Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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