he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
