My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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