I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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