I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
