she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
