mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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