My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
