found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
