You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
