you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
