when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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