I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
