Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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