the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
