hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
if only i could text you this smell
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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