is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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