My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize