Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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