woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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