I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
