Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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