i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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