Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I supernannyed him into submission
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize