I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
