Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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