you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
