I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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