How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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